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If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
Actually according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution…
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Okay, If we get caught here’s the story…
“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook.
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-ass".
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.