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Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn`t need a stage name, pick something else.
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
One dog was admiring another dog`s leash, and said, "I admire your restraint."
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?