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5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
"what doesnt kill u makes u smaller" -mario Lol
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
Why do the 5 seconds I have to wait before I can "skip ad" last 30 seconds?
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
I will resolve to spend less time on Facebook..............ok, got that one out of the way.....................
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of crap.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.