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Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
Sometimes I meow back at cats.
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
Am I the only one who thinks my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair?
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
I have no super powers. I`m guessing I`m the villain.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying. I checked.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?