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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it`s like they had those babies for nothing.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
Sorry I cancelled at the last minute, but it took me forever to think of an excuse I hadn`t used yet.
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
So Apple is gonna buy Beats by Dr. Dre... I guess "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn`t apply to technology?
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
If booze isn`t the answer, then your question sucks.