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Steve Jobs is now working with God to make iWife... Beauty with brains and Mute button
I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore pornography.
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
My life is loosely based on a true story.
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
I wish I was Robinson Cruso. Coz, I can have `Friday` everyday :) TGIF guys..cheers ;)
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."