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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald’s stops serving breakfast.
The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
Can you imagine if Facebook just decided to shut down and you see all these confused teenagers coming out of their house squinting at the sun/
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
"Cannot connect to network. Reset your wireless router." "Umm, okay, but what if my router is in my neighbour`s house? Should I call him?"
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend