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The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
Hump Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I`d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Though we made many advancements in society, sadly, pimpin’ STILL isn’t easy.
If you slept with my husband I`d be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait