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If you bend over and place your ear next to a girls vagina , you can clearly hear her say "WTF are you Doing!"
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
All milk is breast milk.
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
If the Internet was never invented... what would we all be doing now?
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
You`re in your 20`s... you don`t have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying"
"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.
I hate to call it "one night stands"... I prefer the term "auditions"