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The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
I hate it when people radiotype us blondes as dumb.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.
I think Labor Day is to remind people that after a full day with the family, going to work actually isn`t so bad after all.