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Some people are normal. What an awful, boring existence that must be.
Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
I don`t understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It`s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.
I’m awkward when people compliment me. “Nice hair” “Thanks, I grew it myself”
Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.
Just hired two Private Investigators to follow each other. I`ll keep you posted......
if your dirty, your dirty... you cant fix it