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My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
Please don`t hastag out loud...
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
Guys, if you buy ANY woman clothing, & you don’t get her a size S with a gift receipt, you’re an a$$hole.
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.
It`s always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government.