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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
Will be drunk until further notice.
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise. That`s why I think of jogging every morning.
thinks that decaffeinated coffee is just useless brown water.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
To help reduce cost, this status was typed in china.
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.