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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington`s decision when he reached the Delaware.
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
Oh, you have a brand new boyfriend? Please tell me more about how you think he`s `the one`.
Facebook, the lost and found for people. . .
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.