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Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
It`s like my kids don`t even believe how cool I was in the 80s.
We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.
Another day, another chance to make someone say, "Oh, now that`s just WRONG"...
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
I always win at chess ... by hitting my opponent with a brick.