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I love a good nap. Sometimes it`s the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.