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Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
"Hey, man, just called to see when you`re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too." -Radio Stations
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew.
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!