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I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying "I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
Why do ballerinas always stand in their toes? Why don`t they get taller dancers?
My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.
Has anyone else ever noticed that the word therapist spells, "the rapist," when split into 2 words?
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.
I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m