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Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
I wanna say something. I´m gonna put it out there. If u like it, u can take it, if you don´t, send it back. "I want to be on you"
Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here`s the bad news. You just wasted it reading this post.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there`s only 36 shades of grey
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
People don`t call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.