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Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
Save water. Shower with me. ;)
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
If it weren`t for marriage,,, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.