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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending Iām being possessed by the devil is not funny.
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
Imagine if someone`s name was Gurt. You`d be all "yo gurt!" .. funny? no? Ok (._.)
I wish I was full of tacos instead of feelings.
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!
Iām so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."