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Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
Do the other settings on the washer actually do anything?
I was just thinking, which is the biggest thing I plan on accomplishing today.
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
If you don`t do stupid sh!t while you`re young, you`ll have nothing to talk about later in life while sitting at the bar.
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!