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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
What idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
WARNING. Content on my Facebook page may offend. But I don`t f*cking care
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.