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"Love is all we need."-Said a wise man 40 years ago. He obviously has never had a computer
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).
My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don`t know yet though she`s still in bed
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.