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In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
Ways to get to my heart: 1) food ... that’s pretty much it
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
Today`s Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bullsh*t.
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
I have never met a woman without wondering what her box of cookie recipes looks like.
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn`t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?