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Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol