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Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you are suppose to be doing something else.
"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
LOOK A UFO! Quick, grab the worst camera money can buy.
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
The old saying "I wouldn`t wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I`m so broke right now if anybody robbed me they`d just be practicing