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An awkward morning beats a boring night.
One of the most important things in life is perserverance. Hang on...perseveren...no, perserveer...pesever… oh, never mind.....
Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
I wonder if there`s a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.