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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
I`m in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Aren`t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know...The birth of Santa
When in doubt, take a nap.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
Imagine taking your girlfriend to your friends house for the 1st time, and her phone automatically connects to his password protected wifi.
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.