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Kiss me I`m Irish, put a little tongue in it, I`m French too
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
is pretty sure there´s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking...And I plan on finding out what that is.
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
I SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild...
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.
If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.