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In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on.
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
I had 3 happy meals today and none of them worked.
Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
"Dont make me regret this!" is something I say to myself every time I accept a facebook friendship from a relative.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.