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I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn`t working out either.
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
The one good thing about an egotist. They don`t talk about other people.
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
Hand sanitizer: the cut finder.