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Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
I’d go to the gym but I’m still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.