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Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons last night. ..Must be going through a tough period in her life.
I have over 500 facebook friends, and i want to say that i love you all...except for number 376 ..you`re a real a@@hole!!
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.