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Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
So apparently RSVP`ing back to a wedding invite `maybe next time` isn`t the correct response
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.
I`d like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."