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Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button
Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.