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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
Ah Friday...my second favorite "F" word!
Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
It`s too bad parallel lines never meet because they have so much in common.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
I copied and pasted your pic of what you ate...and got MORE "likes" than you did. :P
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.