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Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.
Prostitution must be a hole sale business.
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
You are right when you realize you were wrong.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss