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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
I`m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
FYI: Push-up bras don`t actually help you do more push-ups :(
Bless me Father for I hit send.
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
LIKE if you check your phone to see what time it is and then check it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead...
FACT: There’s always room for another cupcake.
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...