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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
The problem with diets is pizza.
I`m all for change as long as it doesn`t directly affect my routine.
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
Your pants say yoga but your a$$ says McDonalds!!
Home alone… Time to teach the neighbors what good music sounds like!
I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”