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I think the cats are hording all the single women out there...
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
A wise man, will often say nothing
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
I’m a pervert, but in a romantic way.
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
I can see your camouflage pants, so they`re not working.
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"