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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn`t give a $#!t.
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
Reminiscing isn’t as fun as it used to be.
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
I am sweet, lovable, kind, shy, and innocent ... Oh, for heaven`s sake! Stop laughing!