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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
Drinking Tip: Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.