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My friend named her female dog Karma... Karmas a bitch.
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
It’s 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
Me in a shopping mall: "I like that stuff" *looks at pricetag* "i don`t like it anymore"
I don`t get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.