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Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
Wednesday, you’d be a lot cooler if you were Friday night.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
Well it`s about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie
I’m not a biologist but I’m pretty sure the difference between a moth and a butterfly is that a moth is really ugly.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.