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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
Every time i see a person kneeling over tying their shoe, i run up behind them and hop over them to try and get a game of leapfrog going.
I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
Wouldn`t it be awesome if MTV had a show called "16 and Applying to Colleges"
Let me be honest, I dont even walk a mile in my own shoes.
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married