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Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY