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Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
That very akward moment when Shakirah`s hips lie!
Actually, I prefer to smile on the `inside`, then no one knows what you`re up to....
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!