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Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
The only reason I liked your post was because I was trying to clean a smudge off my screen.
The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
Now it`s too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
This status has been censored by Facebook
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I’m going to pay with.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.