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I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. "You guys look like dumb idiots lol" says one Chinese guy
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
I’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
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It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.