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I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
+ if you wish you could record your dreams.
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
?"Cheating" is such a strong word. I rather call it "talent scouting".
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.