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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I WON THE LOTTERY, SCREW YOU ALL! ... Sorry, just practicing
I dont need to control my anger everyone around me needs to control their habit of pissing me off!
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.