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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
The naughty me makes the nice me giggle.
I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I’m a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?