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I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
My pants are 75% off.
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.
For an "adult" bookstore, this place has a LOT of picture books
That moment of shame when an automatic door doesn`t open for you
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers