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That awkward moment when there`s not a single awkward moment
You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
Imagine, for a moment, what you could accomplish if you had the persistence and drive of the Adobe Acrobat Reader updater.
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
If I agreed with you we´d both be wrong.
I’m hopelessly addicted to placebos ..I’d give them up, but it’d make no difference.
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
I`d rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.