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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
I wanna say something. I´m gonna put it out there. If u like it, u can take it, if you don´t, send it back. "I want to be on you"
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Seems like 2013 was just yesterday.
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.