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Mrs Bieber.... WHY U NO USE CONDOM?
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I`m cute, I would have 1 dollar ... thanks mom.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
Do the other settings on the washer actually do anything?
Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.
If he uses an iPhone 5 in Taken 3 he`s going to be spending half the movie charging it.
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...