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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
What a rip-off. I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions. It turned out to be a book on chess.
I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. ...I sure hope they let me back in Walmart.
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
Don`t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
To-Do List : Nothing[?]
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.
I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.