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I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
To stupidity ... And beyond!!
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
Everything I know about women, I learned from the Wizard of Oz. For example: If a woman sees a pair of shoes she wants, she`ll drop a house on the bitch to get them.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.
I fake my lol`s