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Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
I`m sorry call me old fashioned,but i think your shorts should be longer than your vagina...
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
FACT: There’s always room for another cupcake.
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you’ve accidentally photobombed in public.
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day