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I`m getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.
It`s not so much blowing my diet as preventing the fudgesicles from developing freezer burn.
I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
I`m worried that my guardian angel is a crack head.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
is procastinating now. Don´t see why I should put it off.
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
Home is where the alcohol is.