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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
When will math grow up and start solving its own problems
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
Guys I can`t be leave I`m sharing this with you, but I saw my self on TV. After I turned it off.
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
I’d slap you but I’m pretty sure they would call it animal cruelty.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...