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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
They say a woman’s work is never done. Maybe that’s why they get paid less.
I`m glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
Ways to die: Steal my food.
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?