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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
I can buy my own sugar. What I need is an insurance daddy.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Hi, we`re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can`t ever find our dog.
I’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.