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I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.