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Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
Tired of those Political Ads on television?...... You may be entitled to compensation.
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
I`d like to test the theory that money can`t buy you happiness.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there