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"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
I know alcohol isn`t the answer, but it`s my best guess.
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Be nice to me ... I may be hot one day.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate you bye
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on for awhile.