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Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.