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Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.