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Most problems can be solved with nudity
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
If he uses an iPhone 5 in Taken 3 he`s going to be spending half the movie charging it.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P