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I`m going to be very disappointed if I go to England and nobody skips to the loo.
Take your age. Subtract 3. Then add 3. That is your age.
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
Step One: Always have a solid alibi.
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.
I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.
I didn’t get the job… heading home.. Good Bye Rome.. until we meet again.
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.