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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I`m not your boyfriend.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.