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My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
POLITICS; from `poly` meaning `many and `Tics` meaning blood-sucking creatures. Just sayin`
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
if i get a friend request from you and your profile picture is a car i`ll asume your a transformer
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with a piece of cardboard................PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!
Won’t go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for “spider life span” reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.
Today I caught myself smiling… I was thinking of you… Don’t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.