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I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
Your boyfriend has long hair too. I sometimes have trouble figuring out who the girl is in the relationship.
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
I’m pretty good at keeping my sh!t together. Until there’s a bee around.
Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch "Was it all fun and games up to that point?"
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
I told you a million times do not exaggerate!
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.